Everyone has been doing a lot of grousing about the Democrats’ latest plan to resurrect the infamous “Fairness Doctrine”. Doom and gloom for the future of conservative talk radio is the order of the day.

But wait! It is all about “fairness”, so lets look at the bright side. Here is what I see coming out of it to benefit conservatives and Republicans.

The editors and staff writers of the New York Times, Boston Globe, Washington Post, L.A. Times, and all other leading newspapers must be half conservative Republicans. That’s certainly fair.

Katie Couric and all the other evening news broadcasters must leave their shows at the half way mark and turn them over to their conservative counterparts. Yup.

Keith Olbermann must allot exactly one half of his “Worst Person” awards to persons chosen by someone of a less radical persuasion. Bill O’Reilly would fit in nicely for this. If you really want to be fair, and I do, lets let O’Reilly’s staff write exactly half of Olbermann’s nightly, show ending rants. I am sure Olbermann will deliver them with his usual flair and passion. Hey, maybe someone would even watch the show too!

Since Rosie O’Donnell has left her post at “The View”, it is a good opportunity to balance the “views” of the on-screen talent. Lets see, we now have one conservative lady and two lefties. O.K., to make the show “fair” we need another conservative. I think someone like Michelle Malkin would fit the bill here. And, oh by the way, we have to balance the applause and cheering of the audience also. I want to be fair.

“Hardball” is also not fair. Lets get Chris Matthews a partner with balancing views. How about Larry Elder! I am sure they would get along famously. And, oh I forgot, the second half of every show would be Ann Coulter calling in unexpectedly on the telephone to attack whatever liberal guest Matthews is interviewing. That would certainly be fair!

What! You think I am being naive! You think that all of the restrictions will go against conservatives? Well, that would not be fair!

About a month ago, the Kennedy-McCain Immigration Bill was introduced. As I remember the details back then, it appeared that John McCain had sneaked into the enemy camp (again) and smoked the peace pipe with old Ted (again). At any length, the bill was presented by the media as being entirely a “Senate deal”, with compromises on both sides. Ted was even on "Inside Politics" and "Face the Nation" to discuss “his” bill.

Now, a month later, the bill is “deader than Kelsey’s nuts” and what do we hear from the reliable Main Stream Media? We hear that the immigration bill is now a defeat for George Bush! Wait a minute! What happened to Ted? He has disappeared behind the magic curtain like a Vegas magician.

So, when will Ted Kennedy make his miraculous reappearance? He will pop back on stage seconds after the bill receives a successful vote in the Senate; taking his bows (and all the credit).

However, if the bill stays dead, will Ted remain “disappeared”?

Naa, no one can pull off a trick THAT good.

A few years ago, our niece came from Taiwan to visit my wife and me, and to take some English classes at our local community college (yes, she paid full-price, out-of-state tuition fees). Her visa was good for six months.

She wanted to take a few more classes after the first semester, so we decided to extend her visa for an additional six months. After a wasted trip to the immigration office in downtown Los Angeles, we were told to send an application to an office in Laguna Hills, California, along with the I-94 form (their entry/exit record) which was stapled in her passport. At this point, she had been here about four months.

As the sixth month of her stay approached, we became concerned that we had not heard anything from the immigration service regarding her extension. I tried to call the telephone number for the office in Laguna Hills that had her paperwork, but the number only connected to a set of pre-recorded messages.

After several attempts at calling different numbers, I finally spoke to a “real” person. I explained that we were concerned because our niece’s visa was about to expire and we had not heard anything from his office. He was not worried. He said that we would hear from them soon. I asked him if it was O.K. for her to still be in the country and he thought it would be fine. This whole conversation took place, by the way, without his ever asking her name. He had no idea who she was.

About three months later (about nine months into her visit) we received an envelope in the mail from the immigration office. The only item in the envelope was her I-94 card, which was submitted with the application. No letter. No Approval. No new date stamped on her I-94 form. She stapled the I-94 card back in her passport and left a couple of months later.

It is no wonder people come to the United States on visitor’s visas and never leave. I don’t think any government agency knows (or even cares about) all the people here on expired visas. There is no point in building a secure border fence, if everyone with a plane ticket and a visitor’s visa can fly right over it.

In a recent AP story, Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald states that “Scooter” Libby deserves to spend 2 ½ to 3 years in prison for his crimes.

In this story, we find the following:

Libby "lied repeatedly and blatantly about matters at the heart of a criminal investigation concerning the disclosure of a covert intelligence officer's identity," Fitzgerald wrote. "He has shown no regret for his actions, which significantly impeded the investigation."

No one was charged with the leak itself, including the initial source of the disclosure, former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage. Fitzgerald was aware early on that Armitage was the original source of the leak.

O.K. Call me an idiot. I don’t get it. If Fitzgerald was convinced that a crime had been committed, and had determined early on that he knew the identity of the “criminal”, why did he not charge said criminal with the crime of disclosure of a covert intelligence officer? Why go on for years interviewing everyone he could get his hands on? After all, after the first leak, the harm is done and the rest is just gossip.

Alright, alright, I will say it. FITZGERALD WAS GETTING PAID BY THE HOUR! There is no other explanation for it. All his talk later on about the “criminal investigation concerning the disclosure of a covert intelligence agent” is a bunch of horse pucky to cover the fact that he spent a couple of years investigating NOTHING! What did he finally come up with…a bunch of contradictory statements from someone’s assistant! Wow! Let’s get this guy off the streets so we will all feel safer!

I am no lawyer, but here is how I would have conducted this investigation. First, I would have determined if revealing Valerie Plame’s identity was actually a crime. If it was not a crime, I write my report and go home. Total time spent…one week. If I determine that a crime was committed, I charge Richard Armitage (the leaker) with the crime and go home. Total time spent…one month.

Any additional time spent on this investigation is called PADDING THE BILL in the trade. Case closed.

If the Democrats of today were in charge of World War II, do you really think we could have stuck it out? Naaa.

Pearl Harbor – A wise, modern Democrat would certainly use this opportunity to sit down with the Japanese and discuss their grievances. Don’t make any move without a consensus of our allies.

North African Campaign – This must be blood for oil! Lets drag those Standard Oil guys in for questioning. How much money is Halliburton making on this?

Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima, Okinawa – Three excellent opportunities to re-deploy! We lost a lot of soldiers, sailors and Marines fighting over these Pacific islands. Must be the result of poor planning. Lets impeach the President. No, wait he is one of us!

D-Day – Many people killed right off the bat. Get Eisenhower over to Congress right away for an investigation. Still plenty of time to surrender.

Battle of the Bulge – O.K. it’s a quagmire! We quit. Those Germans aren’t really bad guys after all. That Hitler fellow can be reasoned with.

Al Gore, still smarting from losing the 2000 presidential election, has dredged up a new book with his ghostwriting team, ironically called “Assault on Reason.” Here, Gore goes for the world’s record of Monday morning quarterbacking, by replaying the entire previous six year period and pointing out that he, “The Wise and Mighty Big Al” would have solved all of the world’s problems with the flick of his magic wand. Terrorism, HIV/Aids, hunger, and other world ills would have been gone in a flash. The 9/11 hijackers would have been thwarted and Hurricane Katrina would have veered back into the Gulf of Mexico. Last, but not least, Global Warming would never have stood a chance of gaining ground under his kind and benevolent leadership.

Just when you think a guy like Gore has finally reached bottom, he breaks out a brand new shovel and continues digging.

P.S, Hey Al, could you please call the Cleveland Browns and tell them how to play football? I could really use a couple of winning seasons. Thanks.

I have had a year-and-one-half of this Bush and FEMA bashing over hurricane Katrina. Stop for a moment and think. Have you ever, ever, ever seen FEMA rush into any catastrophe like the Rescue Rangers and begin pulling people from burning buildings or smashed cars? No, you have not.

What always, always happens?

Number one – The local police and fire departments rush in and pull people from burning buildings and smashed cars.

Number two – The local National Guard units show up to open roads, bring in emergency supplies, and keep order,

Number three – A few days later. FEMA rolls in to hand out checks and trailers.

What happened in New Orleans?

Number one – The local police and fire departments did not show up. They quit. Too busy looting. The Mayor melted.

Number two – The National Guard was not called out. The Governor melted.

Number three – FEMA could not get into town because the police, fire department, and National Guard were not on the scene.

I have a pet weasel. His name is Nagin.

Today, Jimmie Carter hit the Daily Double at the Presidential “Low Road Derby.” Long recognized as the worst President (at least in modern history), Carter attempted to slither out of this distinction by nominating President Bush to take his place with the comment, "I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history."

Now, not only is he the worst President in memory, Carter is easily the worst Ex-President in recent history. As if to underscore just how pathetic a person he is, he issued this statement while promoting his new audiobook series, "Sunday Mornings in Plains," a collection of weekly Bible lessons from his hometown of Plains, Ga.

Bible Lesson #1 – Stab thy neighbor in the back in a fit of petty whining.

Nice! Real nice!

Joe Biden – He is running for President for only one reason. It gives him more opportunities to talk.

Hillary Clinton – She has one major problem. Nobody likes her. At all. Not even her husband. If she had a dog, it would bite her.

Christopher Dodd – Announced his candidacy on the Don Imus show. Enough said.

John Edwards – An empty suit. He lives in one America, the rest of us live in the other.

Al Gore – Rent the old movie “Elmer Gantry”. Who would want this nut running the country?

Mike Gravel – Who?

Dennis Kucinich – He ran Cleveland into the ground years ago. He is in the race for the same reason as Joe Biden. More nutty than Gore.

Barack Obama – He is a good talker. But then so is Big Al at the used car lot. He is smart enough to convince some people that he can run the country, but not smart enough to actually do it. Might get us all killed.

Bill Richardson – Nice guy. Puts people to sleep.

There is plenty of blame to go all around for the May Day police incident in Los Angeles. Here is a round up:

The March Organizers – Lets end up the day of parades and speeches with a large mob hanging around a gang infested park. Great move! No one could envision any trouble developing under these conditions? And who authorized the march of that mask-wearing, upside-down-flag-waving group through the park? Nice going March Organizers!

Mayor Villaraigosa – You had two choices of action that day. Give a speech at the illegal immigrant rally and get pasted by a good portion of the rest of the city or ignore the immigrant march and lose face with a good deal of your Hispanic supporters. So, what do you do? Why you leave the country and attend some silly conference in Latin America. Where are you when trouble erupts? Nowhere to be found!! Weasel.

Chief Bratton – You have just applied for another five-year term as police chief of Los Angeles. Don’t you think it may be wise to be on the scene during the May Day march?

Don’t be silly! Leave the riot squad alone to make their own decisions. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

The Local News Media – What part of “Clear the Park” don’t you understand? When the riot squad forms a line and sweeps the area, what makes you think they won’t mind you standing in front of them and blocking the sweep. Look, I was at a couple of these type of “events” (O.K. riots) back in the 60’s at college in Ohio. Rule #1 – When the cops get mad, get out of there fast and go home. The fun is over. By the way (note to news media) did any of you notice the people throwing rocks and bottles at the police? I didn’t think so.

The Culture of the LAPD – (Warning: personal gripe alert!) Last June, my older son graduated from University of California, Irvine with degrees in Computer Science and Economics. For some reason (not my fault) he decided he wanted to join the LAPD. I gave him my “Half the city hates the police” and my “It’s a no win situation” speeches, but he saw all the ads where the LAPD was looking for the “new” breed of officer. O.K.

He went in the first day to turn in his large stack of application materials. He came home upset. The retired cop who went through his material treated him like a criminal. Major Problem! He had worked at Magic Mountain Amusement Park for two months in the summer of 1999 (he was 16) and he could not remember his supervisor’s name. This was a problem, I am not joking. The second day, he went for the physical fitness test – no problem (He thought it was too easy). The third day, he had to go to Parker Center and get hooked up to the lie detector machine. (Before I go any farther, I should mention that he had previously passed both a background check and a physical fitness test to go into the Marine Corps Officer Training School). When he came back from the lie detector test, I asked him how it went. He said that he was very nervous (no kidding) and that the person who administered the test accused him of taking something to throw off the test results. I am not kidding. This was the test that Officer Rafael Perez of Rampart Scandal fame had presumably passed with flying colors! The old cops pick the new cops and the culture never changes. P.S. the kid got a very good job with a software company and moved to San Diego.

Nancy Pelosi promised the country that the new Democratic Congress, seated in January, would “drain the swamp” after years of Republican rule. New legislation was going to fly fast and thick! Changes were going to affect lobbyists, homeland security, the minimum wage, student loan interest rates, Medicare drug prices, stem cell research, tax rates, etc.

Now…100 hours have certainly passed (even dog hours). I believe the 100 day mark has also gone by the boards in the last week or so. My life has not changed. I am still making $5.15 an hour at the burger joint, my tax cut has not been rolled back, and I don’t believe my stem cells have even been researched. What happened?

This reminds me of a wall plaque I saw years ago. The plaque read “When you are up to your butt in alligators, it is difficult to remember that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.”

I think I’ll send one to Nancy.